This is Episode 142, and this one’s for those times when you’ve got something important coming up and you really want it to go well. Let’s dive in.


If you want to do things differently but need some help making it happen then tune in for your weekly dose of coaching from me, Maisie Hill, Master Life Coach and author of Period Power. Welcome to The Maisie Hill Experience.


Hey, folks, it’s a bank holiday Monday here in the UK; a public holiday. I’ve had an amazing day up at the stables doing an adult pony camp kind of situation for the day. I’m just feeling so regulated and just so happy. It’s just such a good lead up, because tomorrow I’ll be getting up at like 4:30 in the morning to leave at 5:00, and head off on our holiday. So, I’m feeling all topped up, ready to go on holiday.


In preparation for going away, there’s been something I’ve been coaching myself on. It’s also coaching that I’ve given many, many clients over the years. So, for today’s podcast, I want to share that coaching with you. It has all to do with the pressure surrounding important or special events, when you like really want them to go well. Maybe for them to go perfectly, and for everyone to have a good time and enjoy themselves.


So, it’s coaching that has come up in regard to holidays, family trips out, weddings, birthday dinners, professional events; all kinds of things. Basically, anything that is special or a big deal in some way.


As the day approaches, alongside the planning and the preparation, and the daydreaming and the excitement of it all, not to mention all the time, money and attention that has been invested all along the way, you also feel a growing weight on your shoulders.


You want everyone to have a fantastic time, and suddenly, it’s become your sole responsibility to ensure that that happens. Sound familiar? My question to you, of course is, why? Why do you want it to go really well? Why do you need it to go flawlessly? Be honest with yourself. You don’t have to tell anyone else the answer, okay? But just for you, be honest with yourself about the answer.


Now, before I share the coaching, I have to touch on a crucial aspect that often goes unnoticed here but it plays a significant role in the pressure that many of us feel. This is of course, female socialization. So, from a young age, we’re socialised to be caregivers, nurturers and peacekeepers. We’re often taught to prioritise other people’s needs above our own. To be accommodating and to avoid conflict.


This conditioning can manifest in all sorts of ways, but one of the most common is the overwhelming need to ensure that everyone is happy, especially during gatherings or special events. So, think about it. How often have you heard phrases like, “Oh, don’t make a scene. Be a good girl, keep everyone happy.”


These messages, whether they are subtle or overt, can end up ingraining in you that your worth is tied to the ability to keep things harmonious and everyone else content. Which can lead to an internalised belief that if someone isn’t having a good time, it’s your fault. And you might feel that it’s your responsibility to fix that, even if it comes at the expense of your own wellbeing or enjoyment.


So, it’s like we carry the emotional weight of the entire room on our shoulders. Don’t get me wrong, caring for others is a beautiful trait. But this is being overly responsible for others. If you haven’t checked out the responsibility series that I did for Episodes 34, 35 and 36, way back when, then I really recommend that you check them out. Because that’s where I really examined the idea of being self-responsible, taking unnecessary responsibility, as well as not taking enough responsibility.


But when we’re trying to ensure that everyone is having a good time during special events and gatherings, that’s admirable and understandable, okay? But in trying to create the perfect dinner for loved ones to enjoy, or a fun holiday, or a day trip out, when we’re doing that, we can end up placing an unrealistic burden on ourselves.


We start to believe that we are solely responsible for everyone’s happiness. And of course, logically, when we think about that, it’s like, “Well, no, of course not. That’s not possible, why would I take that on?” Yet, we do that.


It’s a heavy load to bear, especially on top of all the other planning and organization that comes with these things. So, you’ve probably spent weeks, maybe months, even years in some cases, planning and preparing. You’ve envisioned every detail, looking forward to all of the conversations, every laugh, but then the pressure starts to build.


You want it to go so well, maybe even flawlessly, and then that desire starts to weigh you down. It creates stress, tension, and, ironically, often leads to things not going as planned. Or they do go to plan but you’re unable to actually enjoy it.


As I said, whilst it’s natural to want others to enjoy themselves, it’s not on you to ensure that they do. I think, if we’re all really honest with ourselves, at the heart of it there’s usually a desire to be perceived in a certain light.


Because consciously or subconsciously, we all want to be perceived in a certain way, right? Maybe as the perfect host, or the caring friend, or the fun person, or the one who has it all together. We live in a society where image matters. Social media is always highlighting the best moments, and where there’s a constant, albeit, often unspoken, comparison game at play.


This desire for a specific perception isn’t just about vanity, okay? It’s deeply rooted in our need for acceptance, belonging, and validation. We want to feel that we’re doing things right, whatever that is; that we’re valued and appreciated. Often, we equate others’ enjoyment and happiness with our worth and capability.


But when our focus is primarily on how we’re perceived, we lose sight of the genuine connection and authentic moments that make these gatherings and events so memorable. We can end up becoming performers in our own lives; playing a role, rather than being presence.


As I said, it’s okay to want things to go well and to get positive feedback, but when that desire for a specific perception overshadows all of those things, and your enjoyment, then it’s time to reevaluate.


This came up for me last year, when Nelson and I were going to Paris. He was six, and it was our first holiday together. The last holiday that Paul and I had was when I was pregnant with Nelson. So, I had booked Nelson and I five days in Paris.


As our trip got closer, I could feel this pressure inside me about wanting it to go well, to be enjoyable and fun, and without any issue. It was my first holiday in a long time. It was our first one together. I found myself going down a thought pathway about how I’d spent this money on the Eurostar, and the hotel, and this and that, and that could be used towards other things.


I was just getting very dramatic with my thoughts about the whole thing, and it needing to be worth it. At some point, I could just kind of checked myself, and I started thinking about when Nelson was a baby. When he would cry, instead of trying to stop him crying, I would support him in his crying.


I would be present with him, and try to let him know through my presence that I was there, and work on me being okay with expressing himself this way. Okay? This is aside from needing to be fed and nappies changed, et cetera. So, rather than my focus being on the both of us being happy and smiley, it was on being in connection with him and with myself.


Because in those moment, I was deeply connected to myself and working through the reactions that were bubbling up within me in response to him crying. I can distinctly remember this one time that we’d been to visit my brother, who lives in South West London. At the time, we were living in South East London and trying to drive back was just a nightmare.


I think it was a Sunday at peak travel time; there was so much traffic. We tried pulling over and feeding, and all the things, but he just hated being in cars. At one point, I was seriously considering just getting out and getting the tube. But by that point, it was like, “Well, may as well just stick to the plan now.” Nelson was just crying his heart out in his car seat, and I was sat next to him in the back. I was just with him through it.


And when he did eventually stop crying, the way he looked at me was, I didn’t even have the words for it. But it remains one of my favourite moments of being his mother. Being with him through all the tears, and the connection that was there between us as we went through it. Then the way that he looked at me after. I don’t have the words for it.


That connection between us is what I care about. The fun times, yeah, fantastic. The laughter, amazing. Those are all great things, I love them. But it’s our connection that matters, and that has nothing to do with having a good time. Which is exactly the coaching that I’ve offered many of my clients.


So, instead of aiming for an amazing time, or a picture-perfect event, let go of all of that and focus on connection. The most memorable events aren’t the ones that were perfect, but the ones where there was spontaneity. Like, genuine emotions, highs and lows, that shared experience and connection through it.


If you think back to events, special, important events, you’ve gone to, what has made them memorable to you? Was it that everything went according to plan? Or that you experienced connection, and whatever else, along the way? By focusing on connection, we create space for all sorts of experiences.


Things don’t have to go perfectly; you can even have an argument with someone. But if you’re in connection with yourself and with them, then that argument can be a source of connection. It can be a bridge to deeper understanding rather than a barrier. Because no matter how much we plan, there’s always going to be elements out of our control; she says, before taking her seven-year-old on a car journey to an airport, getting on a plane, et cetera, et cetera.


There are going to be things that happen along the way that we can’t even plan for. But when we’re so focused on perfection and things going well, then we miss out on the beauty of the present moment. Shifting your focus to being intentional about connection, that changes everything. It’s those shared moments, including, and I would say especially, the mishaps that people remember, not the perfection of the events.


So, how do we let go of this responsibility, this weight? Start by setting clear intentions before your date, your holiday, your birthday, your wedding, whatever it is. Take a moment to reflect on what you really want out of the experience. Just really check in: What do you want? What do you desire? What would be a really great experience for you?


Then keep that intention in mind throughout the whole thing, because even if you set that intention to begin with, sometimes there’s other people’s opinions, they’re sharing their thoughts, things are happening. Maybe there’s some struggles along the way, and you can lose sight of what your intention actually was and get kind of swept up, get caught up, in other things.


So, you want to keep bringing that intention into your vision. Keep it top of mind. And when you feel any bit of weight of responsibility creeping in, take a deep breath, exhale, shake your arms, shake your hands a bit, and just remind yourself that you are responsible for your feelings, your actions, your behaviour. Everyone else is responsible for theirs.


That thought can just help you to release that burden and focus on what actually matters. Because it’s not your job to micromanage everyone’s experience. You can create a welcoming environment, plan things, be present, and just let the rest unfold naturally; you be you, and you let them be them. Just trust that your guests are capable of managing their own feelings and experiences. You don’t need to get tied up in it all.


As we finish up for today, I just want to challenge you to pay attention to this the next time you have a gathering or event or holiday of some kind. Just come back to focusing on connection, and that being priority. In fact, forget events of these kinds. Just a conversation with someone else, whether it’s your partner, your friend, a family member, your kids, focus on connection being what’s important, and see what happens. Okay?


I’m off to Spain tomorrow morning. Everything I’ve shared here is exactly how I’ll be approaching our holiday. I will let you know how it goes. Let me know how it goes for you.


All right, everyone, have a fantastic week, and I’ll catch you next time.


Hey, if you love listening to this podcast then come and check out my membership, The Flow Collective, where you get my best resources and all the coaching you need to transform your inner and outer life. Sign up to the waitlist at theflowcollective.co/join, and I’ll see you in the community.