You’re listening to episode 203 of The Maisie Hill Experience.

If you want to do things differently but need some help making it happen then tune in for your weekly dose of coaching from me, Maisie Hill, Master Life Coach and author of Period Power. Welcome to The Maisie Hill Experience.

Alright, let’s talk about being in charge of your results. When I talk about results I mean literally anything that you create in your life, anything. That could be more connection in a friendship or a relationship or less connection in a relationship, both are a set of results. It could be getting a promotion or not getting one, the amount of money in your bank account, having meaningful friendships, creating a four day workweek. It can be anything and everything.

And listen, if your brain is immediately jumping to how these things aren’t in your control because of the other people involved, whether that’s your boss, your friend, your partner, your kids, even your dog. I’ve heard people blame their dog for not being able to get results. Or it could be the economy, the location that you live, the weather, things that have happened or not happened to you or for you. Then just hold tight. I would love it if you could just bear with me because I agree with you that there are plenty of things that are not in your control or in my control for that matter.

And this episode is going to be perfect for you if that’s where you are at the moment. So, we’re going to get into all of this but I just want to start off with asking you about what is within your control because things in your life don’t just happen to you. I know we like to think that they do but they are created by you. You are an active participant in your life. Sometimes we forget that. And it’s in your interest to find the places where you are in charge and all the places where you create your results because if you don’t do that then you’re just making everyone and everything else responsible for your life.

It’s like handing over the keys and telling someone else to drive. You decide where I go, I’ll be the passenger. And I know what it’s like to sometimes wish that someone would do that, that’s part of being human. But my life has improved in infinite ways since I started asking myself, how did I create that? And that’s a question that I ask when I’ve had some great results and also not so great ones, even things that involve other people. So, let’s say that someone does something that I don’t actually like that much. And I could just think, well, how did I create that, where was my responsibility within this situation?

And then I can usually find places where I wasn’t clear, where I wasn’t explicit and I’m going to give you an example of that in a bit. So, some of the results that you create are desirable, some are undesirable. And there are results that you planned for, that you’re working towards. There are results that you don’t plan for as well. And of the ones that you don’t plan for, some you’re going to be really happy about and some you won’t, and some will just be kind of in the middle ground.

Some results you are conscious of, you’re aware of them and some we’re not and sometimes it just takes a while for you to see the results of something. And I don’t mean that in it takes a long time to achieve something. I mean we’re just not always seeing the full impact of something until a later date and here’s why this is really important.

Whether you want to create new results or repeat existing ones we always want to know how we’ve created the results that we currently have because that’s going to allow you to replicate them which is really beneficial if they were favourable. Or you can even apply the same principles of how you created them and creative them in another area of your life to achieve success in some way. Or to change things if your results are unwanted or if they could be improved somehow. So I’ve got an example of this, a recent one.

A weekend or two ago I decided to take Nelson, my son, to a Ninja Warrior course. You might ask why I did that especially if you’ve been around, you’ve listened to the podcast for a while. It’s kind of a bit of a stretch for me to do something like that, to be in that kind of sensory environment. But it was in the run up to ovulation and that’s when I can usually be in environments that are more challenging for me than they are at other times.

So because of my sensory sensitivities I like to take advantage of when I feel like I can do something and it’s doable for me. And especially to do things that are really up his street because a lot of the time what’s really up his street does not suit my sensory profile. So, the Ninja Warrior course is an hour’s drive away. We’ve never been there before. We’d planned to take one of his friends, it was all booked in. They were both hyped for it. And then the day before that our car was booked in to have an MOT.

So, for those of you who aren’t in the UK, an MOT is the test that says that your car is roadworthy and it’s legal for you to drive it. And our car failed its MOT. So, we have a RAV4 from, I think, 1998. Slightly cringing about saying this on the podcast purely because I know that my friend Keina started listening to my podcast recently. And if she’s listening to this then she’s going to be messaging me and saying, “How do you still have this car?” Because she’s been on at me about getting a new one since we first met each other.

So, our car failed its MOT, and the mechanic couldn’t fix it for another five or six days. And I was like, “Oh man, we’ve booked this thing in, the kids are so excited. This is when I can do it.” So, I just thought, you know what, let’s just rent a car. We’ll rent a car, we’ll go, we’ll take them and then we can get other stuff done with the car whilst we have it. But then I realised that I am waiting for my replacement driver’s licence to arrive so I can’t rent the car but thankfully, Paul, my partner was up for coming so he rented the car, he drove it.

But when he came to pick us up in the morning I opened the door to get in and I just immediately smelt all this cigarette smoke, the car stank. But we were already running late and when you book this course you get a one-hour time slot that you can use it. So I was just like, “Okay, I’m just going to suck it up. I’m going to go.” But I felt so nauseous by the time that we got there and then Nelson just didn’t really enjoy it. And it was one of those trips that was just for a variety of reasons which I’m going to get into, it was a bit of a struggle.

And then afterwards we took them to Nando’s, and they just loved that. And then the rest of the day was great apart from me feeling really nauseous. So, I share that to demonstrate that not having a great time on that family outing is a result both in terms of me feeling nauseous and my son struggling to enjoy himself and the overall vibe of that outing. Because although I can’t control my kids, I was just looking at that overall result of it being an ‘unsuccessful outing’. It’s not an objective way of describing it but it was how I would describe it.

Now, I could blame my family members for it. I could say, “Well, Nelson’s just being hard work and Paul should never have got that car in the first place.” By the way, Paul just hadn’t smelt the smoke because I smell things very differently to him. And until I pointed it out, because it was so overpowering to me he just hadn’t picked up on it. So I could put the result on them and of course they are involved in it but blaming them doesn’t get me or us anywhere, doesn’t help at all. It just leads to me being annoyed and getting stuck in this way of being.

And then that just spreads its way out through the day and into our lives. So instead of doing that I tried to find all the places that I had created this result. So, here’s what I came up with, some of it. I forgot about the MOT when I came up with the idea. I just forgot that it was booked in. Had I remembered I would have picked something different, something more local that wouldn’t rely on us having a car.

I also didn’t give Nelson enough for breakfast. He’d had some breakfast but on reflection it wasn’t enough so no wonder he wasn’t in a great mood when we got there. And no wonder he perked up as soon as he ate some chicken. That was on me that particular morning. I also made the decision to get in the car. I didn’t have to do that. Paul could have taken them. In fact, he offered to do that. Now, of those three things, forgetting about the MOT is just whatever to me, it’s not a big deal. I don’t need to examine and understand why that happened. It’s just human error and forgetfulness.

Not giving my kid enough breakfast, I can look at, not in a way to beat myself up but I can ask myself why I wasn’t considering that and here’s the truth. There was a point on the drive there that it occurred to me I don’t know if he’s had enough to eat but I chose not to do anything about it, that was my choice. So now the question is why did I do that? This is just me self-coaching myself by the way, which is what I teach you how to do inside the membership. And the reason that I did this was because of time or rather my thoughts about the time.

So, when you book the tickets you’ve got this hour slot where you can be there on the course. And they make a point of repeatedly telling you throughout the booking and confirmation process that you need to get there 30 minutes before your time slot begins because of queues and needing to get the socks that you need to wear and etc, etc. But once Paul got back with the car and then we picked Nelson’s mate up, Google Maps was telling me that we were going to get there two minutes before their session started.

And in my head I’m thinking about how it’s an hour’s drive there, it’s an hour’s drive back, the session’s only an hour. So, we have to maximise that time. Therefore, we don’t have time to stop and get something. Of course, we did, of course we had time to stop and get some food. But Nelson was fine, and I was kind of thinking, we can get away with it. And in that moment I made the mistake of thinking that the amount of time there was more valuable than the quality of the time that we spent there.

And to be very compassionate towards myself I was also feeling really nauseous the whole way there, so I just wasn’t thinking at my best. And as you’re listening to this I want you to see how I am describing this situation. I’m being honest with myself. I’m being self-responsible but I’m not using what I’m discovering to be mean to myself.

And we actually, because I realised how valuable this process is we recently added in a call at the end of the month inside the membership, The Flow Collective where we evaluate our results. That’s the whole purpose of the call. And it’s been amazing to just see the impact of those calls. 

And this is exactly what we do on the calls, we evaluate things. So if you want to know how to do this with the specific structure and self-coaching methods that I teach you, sign up and join us. But what was most interesting to me about my list of ways that I had created this result is the third one, deciding to get in the smoky car. So, what was I thinking and feeling that led me to do that, to actually get in the car and say, “No, I’m going to still come.” I was thinking that I had to.

I said I was going to take them so now I have to take them. It’s quite unusual, I don’t know, I can go either way. I can be the go way off piste with a plan or be very bloody minded my mum would say. So, there was all these versions of that same thing, I have to, basically. And I was putting pressure on myself, nobody else was doing it in that situation, that was all me. And part of that is to do with how being autistic impacts me.

So sometimes when I have a plan in my mind I can find it challenging to change the plan, not always but on this occasion that was definitely there. Because the added likelihood of being late, that’s kind of a perfect storm for me where I’m more prone to go into a stress response and survival mode rather than thinking straight. So, unwinding it all like this is really helpful because I can use the data that I’ve collected from this assessment in future.

And I can also do the same when we all go out and have a good time because remember this isn’t just about assessing results when they don’t go well. It’s also about really recognising what does go well and replicating that success. So, the results that you currently have in your life are a result of all of the decisions that you’ve made, the thoughts and beliefs that you’ve had, all the things that you’ve done, the things that you haven’t done. And none of these things actually mean anything about you as a person, you don’t have to go beating yourself up.

They’re also a result of the many forms of discrimination and systems of oppression that exist. I’m not disputing or discounting that. But when you want to create new results in your life you will need to make new decisions including deciding to approach things with a different mindset, taking a different course of action or even the same course of action but with a different approach behind it. You might need to decide to care more about your future than you do about holding onto your past. You might need to forgive yourself, to forgive others, to let go and to decide to be responsible for yourself.

And if you’re squirming about the level of self-responsibility that I’m talking about it’s because you’re used to blaming and shaming yourself. And I want you to know that that’s optional. You don’t have to do that. This is a pattern that you can get beyond, you can move beyond it. Or rather than blaming yourself you might just be blaming other people or situations and being defensive. And know that when you’re doing that you’re making other people responsible for your life. And every time you do that you’re literally handing over your authority and giving it to someone else.

Another example from my personal life is once upon a time a family member was doing something that for me was a boundary issue. And I was so busy moaning about them and blaming them for how I was feeling but had I been explicit about not liking it and wanting them to stop? No. Was I taking responsibility for my life? No, and none of it was useful. I think I actually shared about this way back when I did a boundaries issue, I think close to when the podcast first started.

I’m going to also give you an example of coaching that I gave a friend to further illustrate this. So, my friend was late filing their accounts and that resulted in them getting the £100 fine that you get for late filing. And the reason for them filing late was that their accountant had just gone AWOL, just disappeared, hadn’t been responding to their emails and voicemails for a long time. And they were getting frustrated and annoyed, and they were just kind of talking about the fine which I totally get, it stings especially when it’s preventable.

But when you consider what this person’s business actually does, my perspective from the outside, not involved in the situation at all, is that it’s totally not a big deal. Addressing an absent accountant is but the most pressing issue for them was for some reason not having their most recent accounts was delaying them from taking a series of actions in their business, that would allow them to produce more of the product that their business sells which would also then lead to money coming into the business etc, etc.

So, at this point in the conversation, I stopped being able to resist offering them some coaching. I was like, “Do you want some coaching on this? Can I ask you a question?” And they were like, “Yeah.” Was like, “Awesome.” So, my question to them is, “Why are you letting an absent accountant run your business?” And they were a bit shocked to have this pointed out to them. They gave me a series of buts. But I need the filed accounts. But I need this. But they’ve done this. I can’t do this until I hear back from the accountant, but, but, but, but.

And my friend was blaming the accountant for a lack of results in their business and also for being unable to take the steps that they wanted to. And as you’re listening to this you might very well say, “Well, of course they did, the accountant’s in the wrong, how unprofessional.” And yes we all could agree it’s unprofessional but we’ve got no idea what’s going on with the accountant. This is just the cards that have been dealt.

And as a coach it’s not my job to take sides and say they shouldn’t have done that even though as a human or as a friend I would, but my clients don’t pay me to just sit there and agree with them and nod along. This was a friend of course and if they had said no to the offer of coaching I would have just said, “Yeah, that’s really crap awful stuff”, blah, blah, blah. So the accountant not responding wasn’t in their control and there are all sorts of things that are out of your control and all sorts of situations that you would never want to have to deal with. I’m with you on all of those things.

But it’s really important to find what is in your control. So, as I said, my job isn’t to just agree with you about how crap something is. I can certainly hold space while you go through something that is crap and awful and devastating and all the variants of that. And to help you experience what’s going on, to hold space for any emotions that are coming up. I can meet you in that place because those feelings are there. They’re there for a reason.

But when it’s appropriate we’ll also look at why they’re there, what are the thoughts creating them. Not all thoughts need to be changed though. So, I’m always on my clients’ side, I’m on your team. I’m in your corner. But my clients come to me because they want to create different results. They want something to change and even if there’s things that they want to keep in their life they’re very happy with, they might just want to do it in a different way with less stress, less pressure, less criticising and judging their whole way there.

You probably listen to the podcast for those reasons, and I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t question the things that my clients tell me. So I said to my friend, “Look, if you’re happy with this situation as it is we can leave it, we can definitely leave it alone. But you’re telling me that you’re not happy and that you want a certain set of results that are different to the current one that you have. And at the moment you’re making your accountant responsible for those results or rather the lack of results because what you want to happen isn’t happening.

And notice how with all your buts you’re fighting for the problem instead of the solution.” Because when we’re invested in how we’ve been wronged and blaming other people you just get very focused on the problem. And it’s very understandable to do this. If all you’ve been taught about responsibility is that it involves blame then of course blaming other people is going to be preferable to blaming and shaming yourself because blaming yourself feels awful. So you’ll want to protect yourself from that. And one way that we do that is by blaming others.

Side note, if you haven’t been coached before or even if you have, feeling defensive is usually a sign that we’re onto something and about to have a breakthrough of some kind. And when I’m getting coached and I notice some defensiveness or resistance coming up then I take that as my signal to just soften and be honest with myself about what’s going on. And to pay attention because there’s something valuable there to explore whether it’s in that moment or later on. And I’ve trained myself to do that when I’m getting coached, I also do it in my relationship with Paul as well.

So, defensiveness, there’s times when that’s appropriate but a lot of the time what we’re talking about it’s not a helpful response, especially in loving relationships. So, as I was offering this coaching to my friend I could see them getting defensive which is then my cue as a coach to collaborate with my nervous system and to soften. Because I always want to be responsible for the energy that I’m transmitting when I’m coaching someone because I know that it can influence my clients’ experience of the coaching.

And if they’re feeling defensive on some level then they’re going to feel the urge to protect themselves. So, I just go the opposite way and soften so that nervous system to nervous system they’re getting signals that I’m not a threat, that I’m on their side. That’s also a really fantastic parenting and relationship tip by the way. And my friend was able to go with it which was amazing.

And literally minutes later they were cracking up, I was too, because they realised that despite what they had been telling themselves for weeks, maybe months, they didn’t actually need the paperwork in order to take action. That was just something that their brain had made up when they were invested in blaming the accountant. Remember that responsibility is not about blame.

I did a whole series about this. There’s separate episodes, they’re episodes 34, 35 and 36 about over-responsibility, under-responsibility and self-responsibility. If you haven’t listened to them yet or it’s been a while since you did, I really recommend checking them out. They’re a personal favourite of mine and I know they’re a firm favourite for many of you. So it is in your interest to find all of the places where you are in charge of your results because if you don’t do that then you’re letting everyone else and everything else determine your experience of life both in the day-to-day and the bigger picture.

And when you focus on all the things that you are in control of you will create different results. It’s incredible to see this happen in my clients and as I said it’s just been amazing in my own life as well. So that’s it for today. Take charge of your results, all of them, might be uncomfortable sometimes. That’s okay. The more that you do this the more you will build an incredible level of self-compassion and self-acceptance as well. Alright my loves, I will be back next week, see you then.

Hey, if you love listening to this podcast then come and check out my membership, The Flow Collective, where you get my best resources and all the coaching you need to transform your inner and outer life. Sign up to the waitlist at theflowcollective.co/join, and I’ll see you in the community.