Alright, folks, this is episode 189, How to Buy. This is a topic I hadn’t considered getting into on the podcast, but this year, the topic of buying things has been appearing as a theme in some of the coaching inside the membership. And I just thought, what the hell, this could be really fun to talk about. And I’ve really loved thinking about everything in preparation for this episode so let’s dive in.

If you want to do things differently but need some help making it happen then tune in for your weekly dose of coaching from me, Maisie Hill, Master Life Coach and author of Period Power. Welcome to The Maisie Hill Experience.

Alright, lovelies, welcome, welcome. Today is all about buying. Buying things like clothes and goods as well as buying services and hiring people to help you with something. So this episode is going to be a combination of mindset and strategy. So let’s start off with your thoughts about yourself as a buyer. What beliefs do you have about yourself when it comes to spending and investing money? And what thoughts do you have about yourself when it comes to shopping and also about shopping in general and the industries involved as well?

These thoughts are often so automatic and will seem so factual to you that you might not even recognise that they are there. So I’ve thought of a few examples that have come up in the coaching so it’s like, I can never find anything that fits. Nothing suits me. I always overspend or I never make the right decision. These are all thoughts. They are ways of describing factual events, but they are also thoughts and notice how fixed they all are. The sentences that I gave examples of, they contain the words, nothing, never and always.

And those are words that should show up as a red flag because they’re showing us that the cognitive distortion of overgeneralisation is at play. Nothing suits me. How final does that sound? But how can it be true that nothing suits you? In this world, with all of the amazing creations that exist, how can it be true that nothing suits you? I will say that there might be certain styles, fashion trends, certain clothing companies that tend not to suit you, but nothing, that can’t be true.

And it’s more about how saying nothing suits me makes you feel when you think that thought or when you hear yourself saying it out loud. So try that thought on and see how it feels. How does it feel when you think and say nothing suits me? To me, it feels heavy, it feels hopeless. There’s a sense of, well, what’s the point and giving up and an inner sadness to it. I think there could also be some frustration there as well.

Whereas that style doesn’t work for me or there are other brands whose clothes tend to suit my shape and style better. They’re thoughts that acknowledge that something doesn’t suit me, but without encountering all that heaviness and hopelessness and frustration. It’s going to be more useful to me to think about it that way. But again, it doesn’t take away from the fact that we’re saying, actually that doesn’t suit me.

The same goes for I can never find anything that fits, and it’s not that having that thought and recognising that a certain brand’s clothes usually don’t fit you. It’s not that that isn’t useful because it is when you are able to use that in a constructive way to move forward as in stop going in there hoping that the way they cut their clothes has magically changed.

And instead start shopping in shops with clothes that do fit you, that do suit you. Because why put yourself through the torture of trying clothes on that don’t fit you, especially in a usually crappy environment with shit mirrors and shit lighting and it’s too hot and it’s just not nice. You could just skip that, but sometimes we’re very committed again, because we just, I don’t know, have this limited way of approaching it.

So you can compare the thought, I can never find anything that fits, again, very final to something like, there are clothes out there that fit me, I just haven’t found them yet. That to me sounds factual. It’s an accurate way, rather than factual. I think it’s fairer to say is an accurate way of describing things, but it isn’t loaded. And then what we want is some curiosity and exploration to help you find what does fit you. So you just want to know where your head’s at, what’s your mindset when it comes to buying and shopping and spending and investing.

And also making decisions, this is so much about making decisions. But I’m also going to recommend to you that you have some filters in place that help you make decisions and buy with confidence. And to do that, I’m going to share mine. Yours may be different, but you’re welcome to steal mine or edit them in order to suit you.

So on the whole, I am decisive when buying. I don’t need to be sold to because I do such a good job of selling myself. When it comes to hiring someone, a contractor of some kind, by the time I’ve contacted someone, I am already sold. And I’m just like, “Just send me the link to pay.” I don’t need to get on a call. I don’t need to discuss things. I will if it’s an important part of their process, but I’m already sold. So let’s not waste time on the selling process because I’m there already.

And I get annoyed when I already know what I want to buy and then people send me a link to watch a webinar and I’m like, “I don’t need to watch this. Can I just give you the money?” And nobody knows what to do with someone who is a decisive buyer anymore. And as a buyer and a potential client, it is fascinating to me, observing how uncomfortable this can be for people. And everyone’s so used to hesitations and questions and just general indecisiveness that they don’t know what to do with someone who has decided by themselves as an adult and just wants to pay.

I should do a separate podcast about how to sell. I could give you this example of a couple of years ago, we had some gardeners come and sort our back garden out, and they did what we’d agreed, we loved it. And then as they were finishing up, they said that they recommended coming again in, I think it was three months’ time or something.

And I was like, “Cool, great, can we set that up now?” Because I know if I don’t do it on the spot, it’s unlikely to happen. I’ll just move on with my life. And then a year later, look out at the garden and be like, “What the hell, why has it gone like this again?” But instead of booking it in, which is what I was asking to do, based on their recommendation, they said, “Well, have a think about it and let us know if you’d like to do it.” And I was so confused, and I said to them, “Well, I don’t need to think about it. I’ve already decided.”

And I could literally see them being uncomfortable with my decisiveness. It was fascinating. So they did, and I think they repeated themselves, “Well, have a think about it.” And I’m like, “Yeah, but I can set that up now, that would be amazing.” And so the follow-up didn’t end up happening. And what’s happening with our garden just hasn’t been a top priority for me. So I haven’t taken the action and arranged things with them. Well, I actually have. They are coming back, but it’s been two years. And they could have had my business all of that time on a very regular basis, and I was ready to commit to that on the day.

And it may sound astonishing to you, but this is how self-employed people, people with their own businesses, do themselves out of making enough money to have a sustainable business. Because they’re assuming that people aren’t ready to buy their services or that there are some reasons, rather than actually listening to the customer who wants to buy. So please don’t do that if you’re doing it, stop it.

Now, although I am a decisive buyer, I’m also happy not buying things. I am definitely more about quality and longevity. And I’m usually highly specific about what I like and want and need. So most of the time I actually opt not to buy something because I know it won’t work for me. But that means when I find something that I really love and that I think will work for me, I will buy it in a couple of colours.

So the first bit of coaching that I want to offer you is, be aware of your emotions, as in what emotions are driving you to shop for and buy stuff? And what emotions are you experiencing as you shop and buy? And it’s not that the presence of feelings while shopping and buying is a bad thing, but they are a huge driver behind our purchases. So we just want to know what they are and be doing that in an intentional way because emotions can lead you to buying something on a whim when you’re feeling down and maybe then regretting it later.

Shopping can be a way of trying to avoid feelings that are uncomfortable for you to experience, and it can just muddy the waters. So spotting these emotional triggers is going to save you a lot of money, because then you can pause and ask yourself, am I shopping because I need this or want this? Or am I trying to fill an emotional gap or get away from experiencing emotions and feeling those emotions? And this awareness alone will dramatically change how and what you buy.

But some of you might be more inclined to hold back from buying and investing in things, or from hiring people, and that’s often wrapped up in worthiness. That’s often what’s at the heart of things. Do I deserve to have this? Is it okay for me to want this? And I’m not a fan of the whole conversation around deserving things, but the question of, do I deserve this comes up. And that’s about feeling worthy or not feeling worthy, as the case may be.

You might also be prone to worrying that you’ll regret the purchase or somehow make the wrong decision. I’ve got a great tip that I’m actually going to finish off with. I’m going to save it for later. But you could find yourself wanting someone else to approve the purchase. The classic taking a picture of yourself in a changing room and sending it to a friend. What do you think of this top on me, that scenario. And you might be asking someone if it suits you and their feedback might be really useful.

I might ask Paul’s opinion about something when I’m trying on something that’s a bit left field for me, but it’s just input and then I might agree or not. But you could also be just waiting for them to say, “Oh my God, you have to get that”, in order to legitimise your purchase. Or as a way for you to make them responsible if it turns out that it doesn’t actually go with any of your other clothes. Or you get it home and you realise it just doesn’t fit you and suit you, because then you can blame them.

And I don’t mean explicitly saying to them, “It’s your fault”, to their face or anything like that. I mean just inside your mind, there might be this very subconscious thread of you getting to make them responsible rather than you be responsible for it. So just watch out for that. It’s something that can be very subtle, but have a huge impact and you just might not be aware of it being there at all, so watch out for it.

And I do think that shopping and buying are great behaviours to look at in terms of how you make decisions, whether that’s ordering food, buying clothes or hiring services and people. But I want to start off with talking about shopping for stuff, so clothes, skincare, goods, etc. So as I mentioned, it’s quite rare for me to find clothing that ticks all my boxes. And that does help with decisiveness. But I have filters for buying clothes that make it very easy for me to reach a decision quickly.

And when I say filters, I just mean a quick list of things that I go through in my head as I’m contemplating a purchase or even just as I’m looking at a brand’s stuff online, or if I’m in a shop. So I’m going to share mine, but I encourage you to reflect on what yours are.

So I start with colour. 90% of my wardrobe is the same colour palette. So I had my colours done some years ago. This is the seasonal colour palette thing, you might have seen it on social media or have heard of it somewhere. And I have reddish brown hair and hazel eyes and things. And I know that I tend to look good in autumnal colours. So I was like, “Yeah, I kind of already know I’m autumn, but I’m still interested in having someone do my colours and really talking about colour and maybe there’s colours I haven’t thought of or ways to do things.” And it was really useful to me.

That was an investment, but it’s saved me so much money and really simplified shopping. So I think the lesson there is sometimes investing money in something initially saves you money in the long run. There are, I think, filters and things online that you can use to give you an indicator of this. So starting with colour, that immediately eliminates a lot of options because I just don’t bother looking at colours that don’t work for me.

So if I’m buying a shirt, I will always look for a dark brown one rather than a black one, for example, or a green one, or just something that’s in my colour range. So just think if you go into a shop, you just immediately don’t look at, I guess three-quarters of the stuff that’s in there. You’re already filtering things out and reducing the options, and that is a good thing.

But if I do want a black shirt, because sometimes I’ll want that or I see a black top that I like, I’ll only consider it if it’s open around the neck or it has a low neckline because I find that I can wear black, and it look good on me if it’s not right up against my face because that kind of instantly makes my skin look quite grey and withdrawn. And it’s just fascinating what a different colour does to your face. It’s amazing.

So colour’s my starting point, followed by will the cut suit me and feel okay? Will the material or the cut of the item cause any sensory issues? There’s nuance here because I love an elasticated waist, but some elasticated waists are strongly elasticated and they make me feel nauseous, so I’ll think no or is this something I can adjust by myself? Am I willing to do that? Probably not. So I just don’t bother. And I think a really big one is, are there any sensory issues with wearing this?

And I used to talk myself out of sensory issues when I loved how something looked. So I’m looking at you, woolly jumpers with high necks, which I love. I love that look. And still when I go on websites and things or I’m on Instagram and I see someone wearing a woolly jumper, I love the look, but now I can accept that actually that doesn’t work for me. I’m not going to be able to wear it. I have learnt that lesson. I’ll speak more about regrets later on.

This would happen before I knew that I’m autistic and now knowing that I’m autistic, that really helps to emphasise the priority of sensory needs. And now I know to steer clear of wool, which is really annoying because I love the look of it, but I just can’t wear it. I know that now. I’ve accepted it. I live in hope, I keep an eye out for ones that are made of cotton and things like that and sometimes they are and that’s great. I also read reviews to see if they mention itchiness with clothes.

And I just know that certain style tops would be an issue for me, anything high neck, not even high neck, but just on the collar bone. And I think this is really key, but we often see things on other people that we really love the look of, but they’re just not a good fit for us. My friend Helena wears a lot of wool from companies that I love. I wish I could wear that stuff, but I can’t. There’s styles that she wears, and they don’t look good on me.

So I also ask myself, do I feel like myself in this? So do I like how it feels on a sensory level? But also do I feel like myself in this? Am I being me when I wear this? And that doesn’t mean I have to look the same, but do I feel like me in these clothes? Even if it’s a style that I’m not accustomed to, maybe something quite different, do I feel like me in it? Because if I don’t, it will be something I love but never wear or I’ll only wear it around ovulation, but even then it might still feel weird in some way.

So I’m just kind of asking myself, am I questioning this in any way? Because any questions you have in store are unlikely to go away once you get home or once you remove the labels, they’re likely to be emphasised even more.

Alright, this next filter makes me laugh a bit and I’m going to tell you the story of why it makes me laugh a bit, but it’s, will this last for the next 20 years? And the reason this makes me laugh is because I had this boyfriend in my 20s, and I remember talking to his granny about how she’d only buy things that she’d be able to wear until she died. And I was in my 20s at the time, and it blew my mind to hear this. But here I am at 43 considering the same thing.

This is also somewhat informed by Paul’s wardrobe because he has jackets and trainers that he’s had for 20 years or more, and he’s worn them. They haven’t stayed in boxes, but he’s taken such good care of them that they look box fresh. So it’s just something I’m more, yeah, now that I’ve settled into my own style, just am I going to be wearing this for 10/20 years? Because of course, every item we buy also has a carbon footprint from production to shipping.

So I try to buy quality items that last. And that’s been modelled to me through the way that Paul chooses things and also things that can be repaired. So the will it last 20 years question is about style, size, comfort and quality. It’s also about if I’m going to get good mileage out of the item. I have a handbag that I love. I don’t use it a lot because I don’t go out much, but I know it will always be part of my wardrobe. So although it’s not an everyday item, it has longevity.

Nelson and I were actually talking about this recently because he wants to get one of the new Man City tops. And football kits are a chunk of money, so for me, they’re in the category of birthday or Christmas gifts. And I told him he could spend his money on it, as in the money that his uncle’s given him at Christmas. And to me, it’s amazing that he just hasn’t spent that immediately and that he still has some, but we’ve been talking more about spending and saving and making financial decisions.

And he told me how much he loves wearing sportswear because how it feels, how it fits him, everything I’ve mentioned about myself also applies to him. And he also said that it’s practical because he can wear it to play sports, but he can also wear it day-to-day, so he gets good mileage out of it. It also dries quickly. So it’s easy to wash and have it ready again the next day. So, it’s not like he needs to have loads of sportswear because he can actually re-wear things a lot.

So even though a team’s top is a chunk of money, he could recognise that he would get a lot of wear out of it. And it was really great to watch his thought process and hear him talk about things in that way.

Alright, this next one took me a while to figure out. So the next filter is, will it seamlessly integrate with the rest of my wardrobe and make getting dressed easier or will it take work to make this item work? Integrating new purchases into your existing wardrobe can be tricky. It’s become much easier now that I have a very good sense of what my personal style is, and also because I don’t shop in lots of different places.

I tend to stick to the same places or similar places. Recently it has expanded a bit, but everything goes together from the different brands, they’re not wildly different. Because what I used to do was buy an item that I loved, but then I’d realise I couldn’t put it together with anything else in my wardrobe so it wouldn’t get worn. So before I buy, I ask myself, does this fit with what I already own? Can I mix and match it with at least three other items? And this just ensures that I get more use out of everything, but it also keeps my style consistent, and my wardrobe is versatile.

So this is how I was able to pack so quickly to go to New York when we went earlier on in the year because most of my stuff all goes together. So rather than think about outfits, I just think about shorts, trousers, tops and I just inherently know that they’re all going to work together and I’m going to be able to mix and match.

Now, if I am buying something that requires me to buy other items in order to be worn, I do that very intentionally and consider if these additional pieces will also be worn a lot. And if the answer is yes, then I try to buy the pieces needed to complete the whole outfit on the same day just because I know myself, if I leave it, it’s just unlikely to happen. And then it’s just going to be that thing that I look at and always want to wear but never do.

Now, if it is a style or an item that’s adventurous for me, I don’t combine that with an adventurous colour. It either has to be an adventurous item or an adventurous colour, because both together are usually more than I’m willing to deal with. It might be different for you, but my experience is that it’s best for me to stick to one or the other. Recently I bought some ballet flats, and I know they’re a wardrobe staple for many, but they’re new for me. They were big in my life. I can’t remember what decade that everyone was wearing them, but I skipped that phase.

So they were new for me, so I bought them in black. They did have them in cream. I tried them on in cream and I liked them in cream, but I caught myself and I was like, “Adventurous colour, adventurous style. Let’s just go for black.” And I’m so glad I did. And the black leather ballet flats have very quickly become a wardrobe staple.

Now that they’ve integrated themselves into my style, I would consider buying a red pair, for example, which is really adventurous for me to wear red shoes, but I can see it working now. I can feel myself wearing them and feeling comfortable. They would feel like me, something I would wear. Or it could be that it would be a pair that just has a more unusual style to them, rather than the kind of classic ones that I went with. But if I’d bought the red pair from the get-go, I think they would have stayed in the box. So that for me has really worked.

Okay, this next one is a big one. Would I be gutted if this item were to become unavailable? You have to be aware of FOMO here, fear of missing out and any form of rushing or panic that comes with the idea of an item selling out. So yes, think about, would you be gutted? But then flip it around and also think about if you would still want it to the same degree if there were always plenty available, would you want it if there was no pressure to buy right now? Because that’s how you’re going to be able to distinguish, is it something I really want or is it something I really want because I’m worried that it’s going to sell out?

But if there is that likelihood that it could sell out, then you want to make that decision quickly, but that’s how to kind of check it from both sides. And of course, number crunching time. I mean, this is probably going to show up on the front end of things in terms of where you shop. But I also like to do it when I’m shopping in a place that is within my budget, but just as a final check in of is this an amount of money I’m able and willing to spend on this item, particularly given how often I’m likely to wear it.

And I prefer to invest in pieces that will stand the test of time in terms of style. In terms of durability rather than opting for things that just aren’t going to survive a season in terms of quality of the manufacturing, but also in terms of the style and the trend.

And when I was trying to invest in clothes that I loved, but I didn’t really have the financial resources at that moment in time, so what I would do is buy them off season. They were more money than I was used to spending. So I would wait for the end of season sale and buy three items for autumn and winter, even though it was summer. Because I just figured, what’s the point in investing in summer pieces when the UK is cold and damp for most of the year, and that’s certainly been true of this year because I’ve been wearing the stuff that I’ve usually packed away.

But just looking at the number side of things is really useful, and I’ve shared before how that upgrade for me, it meant that I bought pieces that did fit me, that did suit me, but I didn’t have many of them. And I just literally wore the same two/three outfits for the best part of a year. But I actually still do this, I still buy things off season. I think it’s a great way of doing things because then you get the sales and you’re also buying the pieces that are more to do with longevity rather than passing trends.

And I also like to check that I don’t already own something similar to this. And that’s not about having loads of clothes, it’s because if I know that something works for me, I can end up searching and finding the same thing again because it’s already familiar to me. So, in a sea of things that don’t work for me, all the reasons I’ve mentioned, the things that I’m confident will work for me, stand out to me. My brain spots them. So I just like to kind of do that check of have I already got something similar to this and just be aware of that.

And I like to be really certain before buying because returning things is an issue for me. It’s something I struggle with. But what helps is largely sticking to the same brands. And we don’t have a lot of that stuff where I live in Margate, so I do, do online shopping. But I will go to London or when we were in New York, even stuff that I didn’t want to buy then, I would go into the brands that I’m interested in and try on their stuff and get a sense of the sizing.

And then if I’m ordering online, I do like to check is the company’s return process doable for me or is it something I’m going to have to ask Paul to help with? Can I take it to a locker and print a return thing there? Does it come with a return sticker? Can I drop it off somewhere? Or does this involve me going to the post office? Which I will avoid at all costs. So that’s the deal with buying clothes.

Now I want to switch things up and talk about hiring people to do things and investing in services, whether that’s an assistant, a coach, a cleaner, an accountant. I have found that those of us who have been socialised as female are slow to hire help and that includes me. And I mean that in two ways as in I have been slow to hire help, but also women who have been slow to hire me.

And I’ve had lots and lots of clients over the years, they’ve told me it’s taken them a year or 18 months to sign up for the membership and they wish they’d joined sooner because then they could have had my help months or even years before they joined. But we are so well trained to think that we should be able to do it all and to deprioritize our own needs and desires and to convince ourselves that if we just try harder then we’ll figure it out and make it happen. Do you ever find yourself doing that?

And I am all for you being resourceful and capable because I know that you are, but I want you to do that in a way that honours who you are and what you can actually do. And in a way that maybe speeds the process up for you rather than doing it the hard, long way because even if you can do all of these things, that doesn’t mean that you should. And hiring some help can free you up to do more of the stuff that only you can do.

And an example of that is, well, I can answer customer service emails but doing so would prevent me from doing the things in the business that only I can do, like creating this podcast for example. So over the years I’ve shifted from a do it all myself mentality to becoming skilled at seeking out and hiring help. Hiring my first assistant, Beck, was a big deal and that happened because it was obvious I was struggling to do it all at that point. And this is before I had a membership. I had a 12 week course.

So it was far simpler on the customer service and tech front but even that had me stretched. And this was also before starting to write books, so I hired Beck, and I haven’t looked back. She’s now director of operations, and we have our amazing team plus all the contractors that we work with.

But before I talk more about the professional side of things, I want to share an example from my personal life, because hiring someone to clean our home has been the most challenging one for me. It took a lot of coaching for me to be able to do this. I had a lot of thoughts about hiring a cleaner because my mum was a cleaner, I was a cleaner too. And I had a bunch of thoughts along the lines of, we don’t have cleaners, people who can afford cleaners are rich and therefore evil, so of course I didn’t want to hire a cleaner because that would make me evil according to my lovely brain.

And I was also carrying some shame there because I believe that I should be able to clean the house as well as everything else that I do. And if I just tried harder or found some kind of system that worked, then I’d be able to do it all. Thank God I got past that because we have an amazing cleaner that we love. And I’ve been able to take everything I know from being a cleaner and from watching my mum clean people’s houses for decades and us helping her do that as well as kids in our summer holidays and things and bring all of that awareness into having a cleaner.

So I pay her when she’s ill and when she shouldn’t be working and when she’s on holiday as well because it is shit to be self-employed and have to work to get paid, especially when you’re ill. And I want her to be ill, I mean, I don’t want her to be ill, but if she is ill, I just want her to be ill. And to me, that was my way into having help at home to do it in a way that took into account the issues that I had with it and to do things in a way that works with my values.

I’ve also invested a lot in coaching in my personal life as well as in my business. And I always get a lot of mileage out of coaching, whether it’s one-on-one coaching, whether I’m in someone’s membership or a group programme of some kind because to me, coaching is the gift that just keeps on giving and is always worth the investment. But on the professional side of things, buying and investing in people and services is all about making strategic decisions that support the impact I want to have, especially as an autistic entrepreneur.

And that includes taking exquisite care of myself and creating enough spaciousness in order for me to be okay. Even investing in having a horse, that has a direct impact on my business in terms of supporting me to be able to do my job. And this is an ongoing thing for me and especially as I understand my autism more and more, I realise how this shows up and impacts me. So here are some of the questions that I ask myself when it comes to hiring people.

What problem does investing in this service solve or what does it eliminate or create space for? I just love to get clear about the benefits and the potential space it opens up, whether that’s time, mental bandwidth or other resources. But it’s equally important to consider the flipside, which is, what are the consequences of not investing in this or delaying this decision? And most of the time, the cost of inaction is higher than the cost of the service itself. And if you’ve got to the point of considering investing in help, then you could likely really do with it.

So how could this problem get worse if you don’t get that help now? But you can’t hire your way out of mindset issues unless you’re hiring a mindset coach, that is, that’s the exception. So you just want to be aware of anything that you’re potentially trying to escape and ideally address that. And that might mean you address the mindset issues and actually realise you don’t need that help or you still hire that help, but you do it in a really clean, intentional way.

The next question, so we’ve asked, what problem does investing in the service solve? Now what will it require of me? And requiring something of you isn’t a bad thing, but it’s good to be clear about what will be involved. There are some services that peers of mine have invested in that have freed them up to do other things.

But for me, and especially being an autistic entrepreneur, there are often services that require things of me that are challenging. And they’re simple and easy for other people to do, but they’re simple and hard for me. And I have hired some amazing people to help me with these things and then struggled to actually use their services. So now I’m just far more accepting of yeah, that works for other people. It’s not something that works for me. Here’s what does instead.

Similar to that, the next question, does this person work in a way that works for my brain? Compatibility is really important here. Sometimes I can love the person, love their work, like their end result, and really want to work with them, but their process doesn’t work for me. There’s a lack of compatibility there. And that might be because they communicate exclusively through email, which is a struggle for me. So then it becomes about, well how much communication is there? Are we talking one or two emails or are we talking about a lot of communication and back and forth?

Are they willing to communicate in other ways that do work for me or is it possible that my team can do that communication? And if it is something that I need to do then am I willing to do it? Am I willing to commit to that? And if I am, what accommodations do I need in order for this to be doable? And do I understand what the person is communicating?

Oh, my gosh, this one has been a big one in the last couple of years for me. It’s especially important in interactions where there’s a neurodiversity gap. It could show up in use of language, different languages being spoken, learning styles etc. But there have been some times where I’ve really struggled to grasp what someone is saying. When they’ve asked a question on a form because they’re a neurotypical service provider, they’re not autistic or ADHD and they’re asking me something or suggesting something, and I just don’t know what it is that they’re asking.

So that means that I end up doing a lot of extra work just to figure out what they’re saying. And that extra work can be communicating with them and saying, “I don’t understand this”, and that back and forth, which for me that is work. Or it can mean me trying to make sense of things and understand them. And I’m less and less willing to do this. There are occasional exceptions, but I am less and less willing to do this.

There are definitely some exceptions, but what the person does, needs to be so exceptional in order for me to do this. And if I am then I will often get Paul to translate for me and tell me what the person means. And I’m often like, “Oh, wow, I had no idea that’s what they were actually asking.”

One final tip before we wrap up. When you buy something you regret or when you invest in something you regret or when you regret not buying or investing in something. Feel that regret and understand it. I have observed that my clients will go out of their way to avoid feeling regret, but regret isn’t that bad. The issue is that when you’re scared of regret, you get into a pattern of indecision and fear because you’re telling yourself that you can’t handle regret, and that regret feels awful.

Whereas if you befriend regret or become an acquaintance with regret, if you can experience regret and learn from it and move on with that knowledge that you’ve gleaned, you’ll stop fearing it. And then you’ll be able to use its wisdom. And along with just feeling the regret, I also recommend exploring why you made the decision that you now regret. What was at play when you made that decision? What were the thoughts and feelings at the time that led you to buy or not buy? You might be very surprised at the answers. It’s good information to have. Alright, my loves, have a fabulous week.

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