This is episode 133 of The Maise Hill Experience. Today I’m talking about saying yes, saying no and honouring your inner voice.

If you want to do things differently but need some help making it happen then tune in for your weekly dose of coaching from me, Maisie Hill, Master Life Coach and author of Period Power. Welcome to The Maisie Hill Experience.

Alright folks, how’s it going? I have a very important episode for you today because it’s time for us to talk about honouring your yeses and nos, when you are making decisions. And I invite you to notice what happened inside you when I said that. What did your body do? Where did your mind go? And when I say honouring your yeses and your nos, what comes up for you? Have you been honouring your truth lately or have you been trying to convince yourself? What does honouring your yeses and no’s mean to you?

This has been coming up quite a lot in various ways on my coaching calls whether it’s in The Flow Collective or my private clients and just in conversation with people. And I would say I’m pretty proficient at acknowledging and honouring mine. There are times and places where I can find it challenging, usually if I feel obligated to someone or to something or sometimes there might be a smidge of people pleasing that comes in. But on the whole, I feel like my body does a really good job at getting me to listen to my truth, my inner voice.

And over the past few weeks I’ve made a series of decisions and as I was making them, I was really watching where my mind was going and observing what was coming up. And I realised that it would be helpful for me to share my experience with you. I’ve been sharing it a bit on the calls in The Flow Collective and I thought, you know what, I think everyone needs to hear this. So that’s what we’re doing today. And if you find it hard to make decisions and to trust yourself then this episode is for you.

Something that I have observed in myself, and I reckon in the vast majority of my clients is that we’re very good at talking ourselves out of our own knowing. So, you can think of that as your inner wisdom, your intuition, anything along those lines. So, this can show up in a few common scenarios, one is that you make a decision about something but then spend a lot of time and mental energy trying to run away from that decision. You make a decision in an instant and then you spend hours, weeks, years trying to talk yourself out of that decision.

And another common way is there might be something that you want to do, or you have a spark of an idea but then you talk yourself out of it and find all the reasons why you shouldn’t do it rather than why you should. Or maybe something or someone intrigues you but you just kind of bat that curiosity and that interest away and you try and forget about it or squash it down. So, I want you to imagine a spark because when this happens, something in you is being lit up or coming into congruency, in alignment. It might be an impulse, curiosity, desire, a knowing of some kind.

And that’s a wonderful thing. I love to think of that as potential. And that’s how I want you to think about it, that spark within you is potential or that nudge within you, that kind of course correction is potential. And if it’s nourished and nurtured, then it will grow and it will fuel you in ways that you just cannot comprehend when that spark is first ignited. And it’s just a moment of intrigue or desire, so, there’s a spark, an inner yes of some kind. And listen, if you can’t recall the last time you felt that spark, guess what your homework is?

Should you choose to accept it, your homework is to experience these sparks. It doesn’t have to be like a massive bonfire, just a tiny spark. That has magic to it. It has something there, some kind of potential. And so often we extinguish these sparks before they have a chance to develop into anything. We tell ourselves that our ideas won’t amount to anything so what’s the point? Or we’re wrong, it won’t work out and we just stifle our own potential. So, I urge you not to do this.

And in fact, this is just homework for all of you this week because here’s the thing, are you good at nourishing that spark, or do you find ways to put it out? I’ve got this image of a candle snuffer just extinguishing it or trampling on it, turning away from it or just looking at it and saying, “Well, you’ll never amount to anything so what’s the point?” There’s all this pressure for a spark to be a bonfire rather than just enjoying the magic of the spark, the delight of it. And this is what happens all the time.

There’s an inner yes of some kind and then you talk yourself out of it and convince yourself that you’re wrong, that it won’t work out, won’t amount to anything worthwhile. And then you just end up finding all sorts of ways to criticise and be mean to yourself. You literally snuff out that spark, trample on it, turn your back on it and ignore it. Please don’t do that to yourself. If you do find yourself doing that and indeed if any of today’s episode resonates with you then let me help you.

Join The Flow Collective and let me help you because when this airs you will be able to join, but we’re closing the doors on July 6th at 9:00pm UK time. So, if you miss this window, just pop your name on the waitlist and you’ll be able to join in the autumn. But when you are dismissing these inner sparks you’re dismissing a part of yourself. You’re not only denying the experience and the potential, but you’re also undermining your intuition, your capacity to trust yourself.

And every time you go against your inner wisdom, you’re telling yourself that you’re wrong and that you can’t be trusted. And this will, without question, significantly impact your relationship with yourself. And when I say trusting yourself, that doesn’t mean that you’re always right about everything. It’s not about getting it right. It means you’re being true to yourself, honouring your needs, desires, preferences, your dreams and trusting that inner voice that says yes or no or maybe. And not forcing yourself for any of those.

And inner yeses don’t necessarily feel amazing. I think often, I was talking with one of my clients about this idea of a full body yes and how it’s meant to just feel fantastic in every way, in every part of your body. But I think, yes, that can happen and that’s a wonderful thing, but often an inner yes to me is that sense of congruency and it feels true. It often actually feels very neutral to me but sometimes an inner yes can evoke other feelings of fear, worry, am I really going to do this?

So, an inner yes doesn’t necessarily feel lovely and joyous and exciting and all of those things. It can feel terrifying, let’s face it. So, I’m going to give you some examples from my life. One is where I honoured a no, one’s where I tried to convince myself out of a no and one is where I honoured a yes. So once at a social event I met someone who evoked an instant no within me. They were just introduced to me, and I mean it was just so strong. Just like my body was like, no. I can’t even tell you why. They hadn’t said anything. They hadn’t done anything.

I knew nothing about this person. It was just nervous system to nervous system, no. They were pleasant. They were friendly. I’m sure they are lovely, I really do believe that they are, but they were a no for me at least in that moment. And as I said, this was before they’d uttered a word. And my response was so quick and so strong, but it was also, how do I say this? It wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like an alarm was going off warning me, you’ve got to stay away from this person. That wasn’t it. It was just a no and that was it.

So, I just spoke to them for a moment and later on, a few days later I just said to Paul my partner, we were discussing it. And I was like, “I just don’t want that person in my house. I’ll say hi to them if we’re out and about, we’re in the same place, no problem doing that, but I just don’t want them in my house.” And that doesn’t mean anything about that person or about me. As I said, there was nothing about their behaviour or what they said or did. I’m sure they’re lovely.

And at the same time, if I get a response inside me like that, I pay attention to it. I honour my no. So I do question my nos but out of curiosity rather than working on the assumption that I’m wrong for having a no. And I think that’s why I shared this on a recent call in The Flow Collective, because I was coaching someone on something to do with friendships and pointing out that we can have a tendency to question ourselves and make ourselves wrong. So rather than honour the no inside us, we convince and cajole and try and force ourselves into a yes.

So, take a moment to think about where you haven’t been honouring a no and you’ve been trying to convince yourself into a yes instead. So recently I realised that I was doing this. I was trying to convince myself into a yes. I had planned to go to a work event in Dallas in September. And I was really excited about it because going to this event would mean that I’d get to meet people who matter to me, I’d get to meet them in person. I’d get to meet Cassie and Amy who both work with me as coaches inside The Flow Collective.

And there would be a whole bunch of peers and friends that I speak to on a regular basis. But I’ve either never met them in person or I’ve spent a limited amount of time with them. So, I bought my ticket to go to this event, but I held off on booking my plane ticket, which is no big deal. But I realised that I was hesitating. So there was this hesitating vibe to it, and I was just like, “That’s interesting.” So, I started to pay attention to it. And then I realised that I was convincing myself to go. And I don’t like to convince myself when it means I’m going against myself.

I do convince myself into all sorts of things, literally on a daily basis I am convincing myself to do things. I persuade myself that it’s a good idea to knuckle down and do that piece of work. I persuade myself to record this podcast. I convince myself to get on the Peloton and do a ride. But these are all things that I do want to do or at least I want to want to do them, but even with things that I love like this podcast, coaching my clients. There’s always a moment of, do I have to do this, that’s just how brains work.

As humans there’s plenty of things we don’t want to do. There are things that as I said, I love doing but literally a moment before I start doing them my brain’s like, really, do we have to? Because one of its jobs is to conserve energy for emergencies. So, I don’t have to make it mean anything, it’s just literally part of the process of doing things in life. So, we’re not talking about that. I’m talking about when you have a no in your body, and you make yourself wrong for having that no. That’s different.

And as I said I coach a lot of my clients on this. There’s something that is a no for them but then all these thoughts and beliefs come up and they try and convince themselves into a yes. So, you instantly make a decision about something but try and talk yourself out of that.

And this is often what’s happening when my clients say that they’re confused or unsure about what they want to do. When what’s actually happening is that they do know. That decision was made often in an instant. But then for one reason or another they try and talk themselves out of that decision, usually it’s because they fear failure, fear success. And a lot of what it’s to do with is how other people might react, what they might say about it or what they’ll do. And that’s what was happening with me.

I’d decided not to go to Dallas but then these thoughts jumped out of the shadows, and they were all about what I should do. Now, sometimes when we remove the shoulds from our internal dialogue we realise that we still want to do something. This happens so often when I’m coaching someone and they say, “Well, I should do this. I should really go and visit my sister. There’s this thing that I have to do.” And I say, “Well, you don’t have to.” And they take a moment and go, “Yeah, but I want to.”

So that’s what I mean by we can remove the shoulds from our sentences. And that will reveal what you actually want to do or not, which was the case with me. It revealed what I don’t want to do.

Okay, so now I’m going to tell you about a recent yes that I experienced. So, around the time that I was hesitating booking my plane ticket to Dallas I was also thinking about how Nelson my son is seven. And it feels like we’re in a window where we can go on holiday. He’s not little. He wants to hang out with us and at some point that’s probably going to shift. So, I was thinking about how many summer holidays we have before he has no interest in hanging out with us.

And so, I was just like, “Yeah.” And I was just kind of imagining not in a romanticised idea of what holidays are like because I’m well aware. They’re not always how we picture them or how we want them to be. So, I was just noticing that in me, it would be good if we could do that. And I could have trampled all over that little spark with my thoughts about how it wouldn’t be possible for all these kinds of reasons, how we shouldn’t do that and if we go, it’ll only end up being like this, so what’s the point, may as well stay here.

So instead, I started thinking about what we could do and what is possible and why it’s important. And honestly, if you can just train your brain to do this, your life will shift in amazing ways. Instead of going to all the reasons it’s not possible, go to how it could be possible, what is possible. So, we had no plans to go on holiday this year. We decided not to go away, just apart from the three days camping that we did 30 minutes away from where we live.

But because I’d planned on going on this work trip to Dallas which would effectively mean that I’d be away for a week, I thought I’d look at doing something with Nelson right before I went away just so that he and I could have that connection time and Paul my partner could have a break before solo parenting whilst I was away. And at the moment, Nelson and I are both so into horse riding. We had this really lovely moment at bedtime recently where I was about to read him a bedtime story and he said, “Mum, instead of reading books, can we talk about horses?” I was like, “Yes, we can totally do that.”

So, it’s amazing to have this shared interest. And I don’t know if he’ll continue to want to do it, I’m pretty sure I will. But right now, we have it in common. We have this special interest in common. And I came up with the idea of just going somewhere in the UK and doing some riding together and then I went down in the internet rabbit hole of horse-riding holidays. And I found out you can actually go on safari on horseback. And we’re not doing that. I’ve said to him, “If you keep it up, we both keep it up, that’s something we might be able to do when you’re a teenager.”

But again I was like, “Well, what can we do?” And I remembered that I have this travel voucher that’s been burning a hole in my pocket from a flight that I was unable to take during the pandemic. And suddenly it was all coming together in my mind. So now he and I are going to Spain at the end of the summer holidays to do five days of riding together. And honestly, I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas. It was just like, yes. Yes, yes, yes, that is happening.

So, there we have it, an instant no, a yes that was actually really a no and a solid yes. So, I would love for you to pay attention to where you are convincing yourself into something because you think you should. Remove the shoulds that are there, see if you actually want to and pay attention to those sparks, those inner nudges, the places inside you where things feel congruent and aligned and true to you. They’re not necessarily going to feel fantastic, but they just feel right.

Okay my loves, that’s it for today. Remember The Flow Collective is open for you to join for the next couple of days. I’ll be back with you next week, catch you later.

Hey, if you love listening to this podcast then come and check out my membership, The Flow Collective, where you get my best resources and all the coaching you need to transform your inner and outer life. Sign up to the waitlist at theflowcollective.co/join, and I’ll see you in the community.